Vulgar...just that and more.
Phil Davetas
9/18/2002 1:37:30 PM

This is a simplistic story and I will deal with it on its own level:

Thereís a moment in the movie when Flappy the clown calls Mrs. Affleck to cancel an event only to have the phone turned over to a young Benny. Take that for what itís worth. The disproportioned head of Kevin Smith plays a fag from J-RAM TV. Take that for what itís worth. A clown gets sodomized at an incestuously gay bachelor party. Take that for what itís worth. A cuntly mother who despises her own son. Take that for what itís worth. Shoe string budget at its worst. For what itís worthÖitís a good movie if you made it in your backyard or with your pretentious film student fudglings playing gynecologist with your all-male friends. This movie lacks reality and motivational instinct. The methods taken by most of the idiotic characters is poorly established. Like why does this evil father want to destroy this innocent clown that he rapedóbecause he wants to fuck him some more? Flappy was actually willing to forget about it. Simple minds at work here trying to create some sense of drama within the structure. So many lobotomoids litter this claptrap that you know some curious moron is gonna look down the barrel of a loaded gun and pull the trigger. Thereís another moment where one character fires a weapon in one direction but the JFK magic bullet flies in the opposite direction to slap the guy deadónot a movie mistake, but a movie fuck up.

Someone gave Kevin Smith the Lewinsky from hell to finance this New Jersey fuck-for-all.

This is not a comedy. This is not even a dark comedy. This is just a pretentious experiment directed by an amateur. The only gleaming moment in the entire film (if you can call it that) is Jon Kleimanís "Flappy Hardcore" playing at the end titles. Maybe in the hands of someone who, I donít know, graduated film school, this could be an interesting story, but it fails because it doesnít know what to make of itself. Itís a movie as if it were inspired by a true life urban fable or Mr. Bungle records. At least Mr. Bungle was cleverly crafted and retained the tone of what it was trying to be in all its grim glory.

Nothing more.

In Defense of Dogma, a 34-minute documentary included on the DVD.

This is a little cry-baby documentary to try and justify Kevin Smithís "Dogma" by its cast and crew. Iím an agnostic-atheist and wasnít offended for gave a shit about the religious implications raised by and mulled over by televangelistic bitches like Phil Donahue. "Dogma" was a veg-fest and nothing more. Why is it on "Vulgar"? Read the credits. If Smith didnít think that "Dogma" would raise talk then heís just the idiot that wallpaper "Vulgar." Smith is a bad directorópoint blank. But his films, "Clerks" and "Mallrats" were great comedies and deserve their place in the lame comedy roll call. I just donít understand the purpose of including this bitch session on a movie that sucked as equally bad and was released long after the short-lived hype three years ago. Donít get me wrong, Iím sure thereís people that masturbate to "Dogma" and Kevin Smith flicks, but a bad movie is a bad movie and should fester in its own formaldehyde.

The Rejection Letters of Vulgar

Thereís a section on the DVD where they read rejection letters of various film festivals tossing the film out of the competition and give very vague explanations why they wouldnít accept it. Hm. I got the same letters for my scripts. I guess I suck too.

I think the best thing about the DVD is the cover and menu design. Well, hell, the Deathstalker series have great covers too.

Vulgar. Nothing out of a Four.

R, 2002, 84 min., Lions Gate Home Entertainment.

Starring: Brian Christopher OíHalloran, Jerry Lewkowitz, Matthew Maher and Ethan Suplee, Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes.

Written and Directed by Bryan Johnson, Produced by Monica Hampton, Executive Producers Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier, D.P. David Klein, Edited by Scott Mosier and Bryan Johnson, Music by Ryan Shore.


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